Brother is not allowed to give compliments.

Last weekend was full of family and life events in epic proportions. Serrriously. It started like this:

Friday: Co-parent some puppies. That was pretty great. And cuddly. And furry. And happy. And cozy. Co-parenting dogs is probably harder than co-parenting kids, especially when they're not yours. At least at 5 am you're not the only one who has to get up out of the cozy bed and let some furry monsters relieve their bladders. Ah, who am I kidding. I totally didn't get up. I let co-parenting partner handle that.

Sidenote: Watched "The Artist" on Friday night. LOVED IT. I think silent films really are my kind of thing.

Saturday: Wake up with doggies. Craft show. Kolaches. Go to craft show. Get yelled at by co-parent for taking their shoes, which clearly wasn't my fault, as I didn't even wear shoes home. I had on footie pajamas. Shoes weren't needed. The dogs took the shoes to play with, so it wasn't my fault anyway. Go home change clothes. Go to funeral for great uncle. Say lovely goodbye's to Uncle Bob. (*Sidenote: my fondest and most vivid memories of Uncle Bob are nothing of what my family shared and spoke of. Rather, I remember him tickling me, shouting "Chicken leg chicken leg" and me running screaming from room to room.) Spend time with family I haven't seen in years.

Drive to parents house. With Brother and Brother's Girlfriend. Insert most insulting thing brother has ever said to me (also included in this post...hold your horses...). Brother tries to make it up to me by fixing broken rearview mirror on car and almost makes us late. Drive to wedding reception. Listen to speeches and take advantage of open bar and great caterers. Drive home. Change into layers and layers and layers of clothing. Make tea. Drive to Aunt and Uncle's 25th Anniversary party. Outside. In the frozen. Watch small humans interacting through the window. Wish that they were on all the time, as they were far more entertaining than TV. Drive home. Collapse. So. Much. People. Time.

So...the awful Brother insult (NOT a compliment like he thinks): Brother, Brother's Girlfriend (henceforth known as BG) and I, are in the car. Brother continuously criticizes my driving. I say something about my friends, or lack of social life or dates or romantic possibilities and he says..."You are like an orange. The outside is kind of ugly. It's edible in case of an emergency, and sometimes it's good for spicing it up, but no one really uses it. BUT, the inside is great, and delicious and everyone loves it."

BG and I had horrified expressions. I saw them in all of the mirrors (even the broken one). I used some choice phrases including but not limited to: "We look exactly alike, so you're ugly too...Nobody loves my outside?...Why are you awful?...I hate your face asswipe...YOU'RE A GRAPEFRUIT BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN LIKES THE INSIDES OF GRAPEFRUIT.."etc. BG told Brother he was a big jerk. Brother retorted, "It was a COMPLIMENT. I was saying something nice." He tried to make it up to me by fixing the rearview mirror on my car for free. Which really was very nice. And I appreciated it immensely. You better believe that I did continuously bring up the orange comment. All night. And he continued to argue his point. Jerk.

Clearly, he missed the session on how to actually give someone a compliment. It makes me wonder how he ever got a girlfriend in the first place.

I will admit: I have gone through this week in slight emotional distress. What if I am like an orange? If your family really knows you and call you out on things, is Brother right? Should I start tanning to really get my complexion to match my demeanor? Am I only good for an occasional zesting? DOES NO ONE LOVE THE OUTSIDE OF ME? Thanks to my brother. And his backhanded compliment. He is not allowed to compliment me ever again. Ever.